King

For a long time this question has intrigued me as I'm sure it has numerous others. Shahrukh Khan. Do I really hate him? Why then do I somehow manage to get dragged to everyone of his movies? And to be very honest – I don't feel as if the movie was a total waste. There are always some fond memories of the movie. However with every passing movie, my dislike for that man increases. What is the dynamic at play here?

Initial thought was – Do I dislike him because he's successful? Because everyone else seems to love him? Nope – that's not it. I like others who are successful and lovable. The Big B for example – I'm not a die-hard fan, but I like him – he has definitely done a lot of stuff I love. Sachin Tendulkar – extremely successful and only a greater icon than Shahrukh, I like him too. So it's not the natural urge for humans to dislike people who're more successful than themselves. What else can it be?

Well I finally found out. The reason I dislike him is because he has been proclaimed king (more by himself, and some insipid news channels than by anyone else) of an art-form (rather than industry) at which he totally and absolutely sucks at. Acting – yup that's it. Shahrukh Khan is a terrible actor – yet he is king. I'm sure a lot of you disagree with me – and I'm guessing a majority of those are from the fairer sex. I know a lot of you go weak at the knees when he jhatkao's his hair or does that silly pout of his. But wake up and smell the glycerine. Not only is he a terrible actor, he's a wuss as well.

"Wuss – whaddaya mean wuss – don't you remember how he took all those hits for Ganga in Pardes, or how he waited for 22 years in jail for his love in Veer Zaara. How can you call him a wuss?"

True – those are some very brave exploits of his – though I'm still sticking with my theory. The reason being this. He hasn't done one daring role. The most daring role I think of his whole career has been Asoka – and that was such a mess. I'm afraid Bollywood really needs to do amends to one of the greatest emperors India has ever known. And I don't think he's a wuss because he made it a mess – What do you expect, I have more the look and feel of an emperor than Shahrukh does! I think he's a wuss because after that movie, he hasn't dared to pick up another daring role his whole life. He's comfortable picking up some very safe movies by his closest (some say too close) friends like Karan Johar and on top of that whine if one of his movies doesn't do good (KANK – Sic!!!. And his argument was "The audience isn't mature enough to understand and appreciate such a touchy, emotional topic". That's right, we'll never be mature enough to appreciate crap!).

However that being said – I have a plan for his movies to become better. For the same I shall begin by giving a lifecycle of a standard Shahrukh movie:

First hour of the movie: Starts strong, very likable in some movies might even fool me into thinking he's as good an actor as Emraan Hashmi!

Second hour of the movie: Here is where the ridiculousness of the plot begins to dawn on you, and begin considering – no wonder Shahrukh is acting in this. No intelligent actor would have opted for something like this.

Third hour of the movie: Here is where he really proves himself. He begins to get these delusions that he's a great romantic/emotional actor and tries to throw those pouts, has scenes where it seems his troubles are the biggest in the world (Yeah they solved world hunger last year, and are at a breakthrough for AIDS any moment now).

Simple way to improve your movies. When you're through to the interval, get yourself killed! Jump in front of a bus, off a building, immolation, asphyxiation, poisoning or whatever disease you always seem to have (Lung cancer would be innovative and not too far off from where you are in real life).

But then Shahrukh is a great actor and he has proof! Look at all the awards he's won!