Tuesday, April 21, 2009

The National Game of India – Politics!

I've been pondering this idea recently of an anti-model code of conduct for all politicians close to the elections. The EC has got it all wrong. It should be the other way around. About 2 months before the elections, the candidates should get a license to SAY anything they want and get away with it. It will save the EC a lot of work.

This doesn't seem feasible, hence do something yourself. Just assume that the politicians mean almost none of the crap that they've been saying and look at the events and statements again. Anyway nothing that politicians say during election time anyway is adhered to. A beautiful fictional world of drama and one-upmanship will reveal itself that rivals the best director's efforts in bollywood. Truly an amazing replacement until this stupid film folk/multiplex strike finishes. Here are a few episodes:


  1. Varun Gandhi makes/allegedly makes a hate speech.
    1. BJP: Damn it! Now what do we do.. let's disassociate with that speech material
    2. Congress: HAHAHAHA! Now let's drive the stake in.. Let's keep referring to Varun Gandhi everywhere and portray the communal side of the NDA
  2. Varun Gandhi files appeal
    1. BJP: Crap.. it's getting worse, they're throwing the kitchen sink at him. Claim the CD is doctored.. some sort of damage control.. What can we do? Hmmmmm..
    2. Congress/RJD/LJP: Push it.. This is where we get our muslim votes.. Let's send rollers, Priyanka, Rahul, the Geeta, etc.. everything at him
  3. Varun Gandhi cancels appeal and gets arrested with much fanfare in Pilhibit
    1. Congress: Damn it!! Those wily b******s turned it around. Now the locals there will see him as a hero/martyr and he gets a lot of sympathy. God Damn it.. why didn't we think of this.
    2. BJP: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! Two can play at this political game! Now everything you say in this matter will only help us!! Go Varun Go!! Now he comes out in a week or so on bail, and sweeps the local elections and this hate speech will be long forgotten.
    3. Mayawati: Hmm… Here's where I can get some of my Muslim votes. Bring out my NSA arrow.. Point and shoot…
  4. Varun Gandhi has NSA slapped on
    1. BJP: Crap!! The NSA may keep in jail longer and may spoil our election. Damn it.. Why didn't we think of this. Damn you behenji.
    2. Congress: Crap!! The NSA is a bit harsh isn't it.. But we can't say that out loud, it'll be as if we're taking Varun's side.. Damn Mayawati has put us in a fix!! Let's just shut the hell up on this. If anyone asks… BJP and Mayawati have a secret pact and it's an elaborate game played by both
    3. Maywati: HEHEHEHEHE!! That threw them off balance.. But crap.. if the SC throws out NSA, I'll get slapped..Did I do that right?
  5. And the story continues..
    1. Mayawati might have been better off if she hadn't slapped NSA, especially if the SC throws it out
    2. The Congress/RJD/LJP would have given less prominence to Varun Gandhi if they had condemned it and not brought it up everwhere. Now everyone in the country knows who Varun is.
    3. The BJP would have been better off if Varun hadn' t made that stupid speech in the first place

On Shoes, Tytler and Sikhs

  1. Jagdish Tytler gets clean chit from CBI
    1. Congress: Lets give Jagdish Tytler and Sajjan Kumar tickets, why don't we have the CBI issue a clean chit before they file, that way they won't have the 1984 riots on their heads while campaigning.
    2. BJP: What? Clean chit, 20 days before the election.. Even Lalu isn't that stupid. Nobody will even care if the clean chit is true or not.. the timing is horrible.. Let's bring this up in every show. The mainstream media will play it down, but we have to bring it up.
  2. Jarnail Singh throws a shoe at Chidambaram (Shoe misses)
    1. BJP: Hahahaha.. Some Sikh threw a shoe at Chiddu.. Call up the Akali Dal.. Make them offer him something.. Bring Sikh anger to the forefront.. Call that journalist a hero.
    2. Congress: Shit.. somebody threw a shoe.. And you know what the bigger problem is.. That journalist apologized already and everyone is saying he's a nice clean character. Damn it.. If it was someone with a NDA leaning and the shoe had actually hit it would have been better. We could have called it politically motivated and blamed BJP for doing cheap politics. The crappy part is this journalist is too clean to pin anything political on him. If we do anything of the sort, they'll come and kill us on that
  3. Congress withdraws Tytler and Kumar's tickets
    1. BJP: HAHAHAHA! If they think it's over they have another think coming. They've brought up the Gujarat riots way too many times.. This is the first election after 1984 that the 1984 riots is going to become a major issue on.. Push guys Push.. If anyone says communal, tell them about 1984!!
    2. Congress: Damn it, we had to withdraw their tickets and now ppl are asking if the CBI report was not manipulated why did we not stick with the same candidates.. What a load of crap we're in. Whose brilliant idea was this CBI crap anyway?
  4. And the story continues..
    1. The congress could've had it's pie and eaten it too if they'd just quietly fielded Jagdish Tytler and Sajjan Kumar. Nobody would've cared much. Their attempt to give them a clean chit before the polls just came back and bit them in the butt!!

On Amma, Karuna and Lanka

  1. Amma makes a grand coalition in TN
    1. Amma: heheeh.. This time I'm going to kill Karuna!! Last time he wiped me out.. This time he's going down!! And I'm definitely in the government at the center. I'll just go with whoever is in the majority, a simple two way bet guaranteed to win..
    2. Karuna: Damn it! Amma's got some ppl on her side this time.. Stupid PMK also ran away after all we've done for them… We might get killed this time.. What do we do, what do we do?
  2. Amma hunger strikes for SL Tamils
    1. Amma: Hehehe.. I get the tamil sympathy vote.. I was the first to do it, so I get it. If Karuna does anything now I just go and say that he really doesn't care and is just faking it. Moreover if he fasts for a day, he'll die!!
    2. Karuna: Damn it! She's getting more powerful everyday.. I need to come up with a response soon.
  3. Vaikko says Prabhakaran's blood wil cause a bloodbath here:
    1. Amma: Damn that stupid man.. Why did I coalesce with him? Well doesn't really matter he was in both NDA and the UPA and said all of this at that time too.. Which central party can ask me about him.. I'll just put it back on them. I'm too good.
    2. Karuna: Damn it.. Amma did it for the Tamil Civilians, Vaikko will also get that few LTTE sympathizers.. I'm in deep shit.. I better make a statement soon.
  4. Karuna says LTTE chief is his friend
    1. Amma: Damn it.. He said it too.. What happens if he gets some seats.. If the seats are split, my chances with the congress are less, because they'd have to dump DMK to get me and hence it would give them only a small gain.. I won't be able to play Kingmaker. What do I do? I know.. I'll taunt the Congress and Sonia.. If my taunts can get them to publicly dump the DMK, I'll have both the UPA and NDA options open and might get some extra votes here too.. Yup.. "HOW CAN SONIA, THE WIDOW OF RAJIV REMAIN SILENT"… "The Congress party must answer on its ally's position"… The BJP will anyway kill them for this unknowingly helping my cause to open a UPA window for me. God damn it I'm too smart for this polity
    2. Karuna: Shit.. Amma has begun to attack the Congress over me.. If I'm going to lose a few seats this election, my only hope of govt. is remaining with UPA.. After the Ram Setu stupid questions the NDA will never go with me. The UPA don't want to lose me since I'm pretty much the last of their allies. I need some damage control.. Here goes "We can never forgive the LTTE for Rajiv Gandhi's assassination" ..Damn it.. Hope that does it..
  5. And the story continues.
    1. If Karuna had not remained so silent for so long, he would be much better off. Too little, too late is more dangerous than nothing at all
    2. The BJP unknowingly is attacking the Congress by hoping that they'll drop the DMK the last of their allies, but that opens the door for Amma's alliance with the UPA.. Something the BJP doesn't know about. Game theory is a bitch isn't it.!!


DISCLAIMER: I realize that in this article it may seem as I have trivialized real painful issues to people like the 1984 riots and the Tamil civilians issue. My intent is not to do so. I understand how painful these issues are, I am only attempting to utilize these issues as political statements in the shallow manner that they do. I sincerely apologize if I have hurt any sentiments.



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